Annoyed by Inability

I am fed up. Completely annoyed. I find myself wondering why. Why i deal? Why i am unable to be normal? Why am i the way i am? I think that maybe instead of thinking "why are you so incapable of moving on and being my friend," i should be thinking of ways to fix myself.

Many may call my current thoughts to be insecurities within myself, a useless excuse for others to trample on me. But maybe in reality, i am the one truly at fault. For the past couple of years, i have been on a journey of self identity, a time i have invested on thinking about me. Could it be possible that in all of this time for myself, i have failed to realize what others need me to be. Sure, i can gladly say that i am happy with the majority of who i have become today. Sure, i can say that i earnestly have changed from the person i used to be. But have i changed to be a monster? Someone who does nothing but cause annoyances and troubles to others. i do not feel that i can truly say that i have grown to be a person worth dealing with. "You're overreacting" " "I can't deal with you." "People ask me why i'm even you're friend."

Am i really that stupid? To believe all these truths to be lies?

Am i an idiot...to even wonder why i try?

Should i just give up and forget all that we've been through?

Should i forget about everything...forget about you?

Here i am

Fed up by my inability

Unable to do anything

Unable to take any responsibility?

I am fed up. I am tired. I am annoyed by my inability to see the truth.

Take a Step Back

I never thought there would be the day where i would just let the past be the past. But when the day has finally come, i find myself at a fork in the road. One road lies without one of my closest friends, whereas the other has a happy future with them. It sucks that no matter what i do in a friendship, the other person won't give as even half of what i give. It's frustrating that no matter how hard i try it's never enough.

I can't help but feel that' i'm not good enough and that i'm lacking. I know i'm probably not the best friend out there, but i shure do give my all in trying to be one.

I feel as though i'm moving out of the cycle. A cycle that seemed to never end before seems oh so gone right now. i've been told that i live in this never-ending cycle, but i think that it is you who is stuck. it is you who is unable to figure out what you want. It's unfair that i sit here waiting on you to find out what you want me to be for you. So instead i'm going to take a step back. Take a step away from all the madness that has been consuming my life. Take a step back to find out whether or not all of this is worth it. I'm trying, but it's only worth so much. Why don't you take a step back and understand where i'm coming from.

Yet Again

"Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything."

What's your passion? What are your desires? Lately, I have been thinking about what God has in store for me. Will I end up a dancer? A doctor? An outcast? I fear the future and all it has in store, for the uncertainty of where i will end up leaves me feeling empty.

This past year has been a year of self-discovery, an opportunity for me to find out who i am and who i want to be. Who knew that instead of drinking and on friday nights, i would be at church with some of my closest friends. It just goes to show you that you never know where you will end up. As far as i knew, i would be alone, unaccepted. However, to my surprise, I have found acceptance within a small group of people, who are helping me to grow within Christ. To my dismay, they may be leaving, but thankfully they won't be going far, especially in my heart. <3

Broken

i'm broken

destroyed

dying

i don't know why i can't speak
even when i'm not near you
i don't know why whenever i look at you
i feel like a hindrance
another thing just blocking your way

everything suddenly seems harder to do
i can't sleep
think
i don't even know why i still breathe

i really don't know how long i can do this for
things will never change
whatever feelings you even had for me
will slowly just fade

i can't really do anything, but just sit here. turning to dust. missing you. wanting to be with you. i don't know why i stay. missing you. waiting for the day that will never come. when you say i love you too. i really am pathetic even to think that for once maybe just this one time, i could be happy. unfortunately for me, my happiness will never come.

Happiness

comes with doubt
although its supposed to disappear
it strengthens
leaving you on edge
waiting for something to push you over the edge
i hope
i pray
i wish
for my happy ending to come
things are changing
what little can i do but wonder
if what's happening is true
is me going to forever be with you
i love you
can't you see dummy
i love you

and i never want you to leave

Nothing

i feel absolutely nothing
nothing
nothing left to do
only to wait until
i turn to nothing

I wish the cold blood
that runs through my veins
would slowly stop
until my heart is nothing

why feel
when there isn't anything to feel
anything left to do
but sit and realize that what's hapenning
is indeed real

i want things to be different
i really do
but how can it be different
if i don't have you

Nothing
sits here quiet and alone
nothing
no longer sits and waits by the phone
nothing
is who i am
nothing
is who i wish to be

Time passes by

as i sit here
waiting for you to notice me
waiting for a sudden change
waiting for my life to get better

why is it that
everytime you hurt me
i always come running back
always come with a new hope
that maybe things will be different

i still sit here
changing who i am
thinking of solutions
to the character i have become

i put on my mask
try to fake a smile
is it better
if you think that i'm happy?

are things better when
i just leave
stay quiet
quit complaining ?

i think for a while
or maybe for a long time
i will go away
and hope that i don't look back