Annoyed by Inability

I am fed up. Completely annoyed. I find myself wondering why. Why i deal? Why i am unable to be normal? Why am i the way i am? I think that maybe instead of thinking "why are you so incapable of moving on and being my friend," i should be thinking of ways to fix myself.

Many may call my current thoughts to be insecurities within myself, a useless excuse for others to trample on me. But maybe in reality, i am the one truly at fault. For the past couple of years, i have been on a journey of self identity, a time i have invested on thinking about me. Could it be possible that in all of this time for myself, i have failed to realize what others need me to be. Sure, i can gladly say that i am happy with the majority of who i have become today. Sure, i can say that i earnestly have changed from the person i used to be. But have i changed to be a monster? Someone who does nothing but cause annoyances and troubles to others. i do not feel that i can truly say that i have grown to be a person worth dealing with. "You're overreacting" " "I can't deal with you." "People ask me why i'm even you're friend."

Am i really that stupid? To believe all these truths to be lies?

Am i an idiot...to even wonder why i try?

Should i just give up and forget all that we've been through?

Should i forget about everything...forget about you?

Here i am

Fed up by my inability

Unable to do anything

Unable to take any responsibility?

I am fed up. I am tired. I am annoyed by my inability to see the truth.

Take a Step Back

I never thought there would be the day where i would just let the past be the past. But when the day has finally come, i find myself at a fork in the road. One road lies without one of my closest friends, whereas the other has a happy future with them. It sucks that no matter what i do in a friendship, the other person won't give as even half of what i give. It's frustrating that no matter how hard i try it's never enough.

I can't help but feel that' i'm not good enough and that i'm lacking. I know i'm probably not the best friend out there, but i shure do give my all in trying to be one.

I feel as though i'm moving out of the cycle. A cycle that seemed to never end before seems oh so gone right now. i've been told that i live in this never-ending cycle, but i think that it is you who is stuck. it is you who is unable to figure out what you want. It's unfair that i sit here waiting on you to find out what you want me to be for you. So instead i'm going to take a step back. Take a step away from all the madness that has been consuming my life. Take a step back to find out whether or not all of this is worth it. I'm trying, but it's only worth so much. Why don't you take a step back and understand where i'm coming from.

Yet Again

"Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything."

What's your passion? What are your desires? Lately, I have been thinking about what God has in store for me. Will I end up a dancer? A doctor? An outcast? I fear the future and all it has in store, for the uncertainty of where i will end up leaves me feeling empty.

This past year has been a year of self-discovery, an opportunity for me to find out who i am and who i want to be. Who knew that instead of drinking and on friday nights, i would be at church with some of my closest friends. It just goes to show you that you never know where you will end up. As far as i knew, i would be alone, unaccepted. However, to my surprise, I have found acceptance within a small group of people, who are helping me to grow within Christ. To my dismay, they may be leaving, but thankfully they won't be going far, especially in my heart. <3